Among the guiding principles (道場訓) that shape shibari styles, intention is one of the most important. It determines both how we approach the interaction and how we assess it afterward.
We can define intention as the motives behind a behavior, closely tied to the objectives driving it—essentially, the why and the what for behind our actions.
These are questions we should ask ourselves before every new interaction or shibari session:
- What motivates you to practice shibari?
- As a general practice, what does it bring to you?
- Is it a reward in the erotic sense, or does it fulfill a different purpose?
If we focus exclusively on erotic interactions, additional questions arise:
- What are you aiming to achieve by introducing shibari into your practices?
- What do you seek overall, in each case, and with each specific partner?
These are questions each individual must ask and answer for themselves.
It is highly recommended to do so before every interaction. The answers may remain private or be shared with the other person, especially if they are significant to the interaction or the context of the relationship.
We assume that both participants are considering a session of an erotic nature. However, this point must always be explicitly clarified.
Entering a shibari session with conflicting intentions—for instance, one person expecting an artistic photo shoot and the other an erotic encounter, or one partner wishing to actively practice technique while the other seeks an intense and emotional session—is a recipe for disaster.
Even when both parties agree on the erotic nature of the session, their interests and intentions may differ significantly. This is not inherently a problem, as desire varies from person to person. The ideal is for both individuals to achieve satisfaction.
It’s important to understand that the same behavior can have multiple intentions behind it, and performing the same actions does not automatically mean both parties share the same motivations.
All human behavior has some form of intention; otherwise, we would be discussing erratic behavior, which is not typically observed outside clinical populations.
However, it is common to be unaware of the intention driving our actions.
Generally, and especially in the erotic realm, it tends to be linked to some form of reward, even if we don’t fully understand what it is.
When we are unclear about our motives or objectives, we don’t know how to achieve them.
Identifying our personal intentions helps us create much more satisfying interactions because it enables us to express our needs, desires, fears, boundaries, or dislikes more clearly and precisely.
This makes it easier to find common ground with the person we are interacting with, ensuring a mutually satisfying encounter.
In the realm of erotic interaction, it is essential for participants to have aligned intentions. Otherwise, maladaptive and unsatisfying dynamics may develop.
For instance, if one person’s intention is to have a fulfilling erotic experience, while the other seeks to strengthen the bond between them, the latter may agree to engage in erotic interactions without genuine desire—leading to potential issues (as covered in other lessons of the course).
There are far more effective ways to strengthen bonds than engaging in activities we don’t want but that please the other person.
Thus, before starting any interaction, we need to be clear about our own intention and that of the other person.
When our intention is unclear, we cannot develop procedural frameworks to achieve our goals.
In such cases, we often resort to trial and error, hoping for a lucky break, or following generic advice like “5 steps to achieve X.”
Spoiler alert: these generic techniques rarely work well, particularly in the erotic sphere.
Procedural Frameworks
Procedural frameworks can be defined as mental maps, such as: “To achieve X, I need to do Z.”
In the erotic context, these frameworks shape our erotic schemas.
While these schemas evolve with practice and experience, they provide a starting point for interactions and help establish a path toward achieving the desired reward.
How Do I Identify My Intention?
Identifying our intention with clarity and detail before an erotic interaction is not a simple process; it often requires effort.
We often lean toward reductive simplifications, such as saying: “I want more intense interactions.” However, this is too vague and abstract.
To clarify why we want to engage in shibari with a specific person at a particular moment, we need to know ourselves well, confront our motivations, and identify the precise reasons behind our actions.
For example: “I want to add spice to our interactions as a couple.” Excellent, this is a perfectly valid intention. But is it due to boredom, monotony, a love of restraint, curiosity …?
There is no right or wrong answer. The important thing is to have an answer.
To achieve this, we must confront our personal motivations against our own criteria. This process fosters self-awareness.
Once we understand what drives us and what our intention is, the next step is self-acceptance.
Without accepting our underlying motivations, we cannot achieve fulfillment, and we will approach interactions from a detached or disconnected standpoint.
What Should Be Shared with the Other Person?
The answer is simple: everything you consider important to the interaction and the relationship.
This should be done honestly, without blaming the other person, as your motivations are your own. While they may involve the other person, they are not their responsibility or fault.
In the next topic, we’ll delve deeper into communication between partners.