While communication is something we theoretically engage in daily, it is often mistaken for simply speaking and saying things.
Communication is an interaction that involves at least two people, and its primary goal is ensuring that the other person understands what we want to express.
However, in many cases, we focus solely on saying what we want.
But if your goal is for your message to be understood, you need to provide cues that facilitate comprehension so that communication is not merely about "accepting whatever the other person says" without further thought.
A more useful question to ask ourselves is: What do I want the other person to understand? rather than What do I want to say?
Although we cannot control the way others interpret our message, we can adjust our communication based on past interactions instead of assuming the other person will understand every word exactly as intended.
Each individual has a personal responsibility to do everything within their power to ensure their message is understood; this responsibility cannot be delegated.
The first step in effective communication is clearly defining what we want the other person to understand (the message). Equally important is choosing the most effective way to express it (the code). Additionally, we must consider how much information we want to share.
For example, imagine you invite me to organize a session tonight after work, and I simply reply, "No." If I leave it at that, you might interpret my response in many different ways.
To provide more clarity, I could say that I’m tired, or that I didn’t sleep well and therefore I’m tired, or that I’ve been struggling with personal issues that have affected my sleep, leaving me exhausted.
Each of these responses is true and conveys my situation (I’m tired), but I decide which one to use depending on how much I want to share at that moment.
One of the most effective strategies we can use is adapting our language to the person we are communicating with. Even when we speak the same language, we must ensure our way of expressing ourselves is accessible to the other person.
There is little value in using complex words and phrases if all they do is create confusion and noise. Often, when people do this, their goal is not to communicate but rather to showcase their intellect and sophistication.
Another valuable tool for improving communication is clarifying the meaning of abstract concepts we use.
For instance, after a session, if someone asks, "How are you?" and the response is simply "Good," that "good" is an abstract concept that can have various interpretations. Defining or specifying what we mean by such abstract expressions helps establish clearer and more effective communication.
We must remember that the other person cannot read our minds and does not automatically understand what we mean by certain words or phrases.
Even when we assume we share a common understanding, it is our responsibility to ensure that the other person fully grasps what we are trying to convey.
By working on these aspects, we contribute to building shared concepts, which strengthens our connection. Over time, this enables deeper communication and better mutual understanding.
The same principle applies when the other person communicates with us. It is essential to focus on understanding their message rather than trying to fit it into our pre-existing narrative.
Otherwise, misunderstandings can arise, potentially leading to unnecessary conflicts that offer no real benefit.
Asking questions like "When you say X, do you mean Z?" or "What do you mean by X?" or "Can you give me an example to clarify?" can greatly help mutual understanding during a conversation.
When engaging in discussions, it is important to remember that a discussion is simply an exchange of opinions and arguments, not a personal conflict. Each participant is sharing their perspective, feelings, and personal experience of the situation.
It is crucial to respect the other person’s perspective, as it reflects how they have experienced and interpreted the situation. Their view is not a judgment of us but rather valuable information about their perspective, experiences, and coping mechanisms.
For example, if someone says, "This rope pinches my skin," they are not suggesting that we are clumsy or lack skill; they are merely expressing how they feel in that moment. They are speaking about themselves.
We must learn to listen to what the other person is saying without making everything about ourselves. This is the first step toward establishing effective communication.
Finally, creating a communicative space between both individuals is fundamental to sharing intentions, managing vulnerabilities, and ensuring the emotional safety of both participants in a shibari experience.
This approach strengthens mutual understanding.
Of course, when it comes to adaptive management of erotic interactions, there is no place for vague ideas like "going with the flow," "connecting," or "talking through the ropes."
We are dealing with complex interpersonal processes involving adults with unique personal histories, navigating intense emotional experiences together.
Whether these experiences benefit each individual and the relationship they share depends entirely on comprehension and thoughtful analysis.
If something needs to be communicated, let’s use words. Verbalizing thoughts and ideas is a necessary step in processing experiences and emotions.
And let’s speak with honesty and from an "I" perspective, without shifting blame onto the other person. What someone feels is their own experience.
The listener should approach the conversation with acceptance rather than taking it as personal criticism. If something went wrong, if the other person didn’t enjoy a particular aspect, or if they propose a change, this is valuable feedback for improving future interactions.
This is not about one person giving in to the other but about finding common ground to enjoy together.
For example: One person may feel that the session was too intense or rough. At the time, they didn’t think much of it, but upon reflection, they realize they would prefer a less intense experience in the future.
The other person won’t know this unless it is explicitly communicated. If discussed after the session (preferably the next day), they can find ways to adjust the intensity to ensure both feel comfortable.
Of course, we are referring to aspects that can be improved, avoided, or approached differently. This does not include carelessness or disregard for one partner’s desires—such behaviors must be eliminated from any erotic interaction.
In cases of accidents—something no one is immune to—or issues arising from a lack of technical mastery, honest and direct communication will help prevent repetition through mutual understanding, ultimately enhancing the experience for both parties.