We’re diving into another uncomfortable myth, one that, when debunked, often points to behaviors and attitudes that can be classified as abusive or at risk of becoming so: the association of shibari with pain and, by extension, with BDSM.
First, Let’s Talk About Pain...
Shibari is not a torture technique. It’s a tool for connection and control. When used without mutual consent, it becomes manipulation.
Yes, there are historical images in Japanese art of women bound and tortured, but these depicted crimes, not erotic scenes. Their purpose was to warn, not to arouse.
Today, given how shibari is practiced, treating it as torture is a surefire way to cause injury.
By its technical nature, shibari can be inherently risky, and improper or careless use can lead to harm.
There’s a certain obsession with suspension—hoisting people into impossible positions to inflict pain—that might look impressive to newcomers.
From a place of ignorance, it might even seem like an artistic endeavor; from a simplistic view, it could be mistaken for an intense, authentic emotional expression.
But in reality, these practices are assaults on the body. Suspending and lifting someone without proper technical safeguards is reckless.
You see some truly egregious things out there. Or rather, what you rarely see is good technique. Let’s be clear: suspension is a calisthenic acrobatic feat, not an exercise in brutality.
Then there’s the myth that suspension is a must, that the more difficult and elaborate, the better.
No. That’s circus, it’s fantasy—not real life.
In a sexual context, shibari as an intimate interaction between two people isn’t about spectacle; it’s about fulfilling desire.
Now, if we’re talking about an acrobatic performance, let’s judge it as such, with the standards of a show: the staging, the dramaturgy, the spectacle, the acrobatic technique, the innovation, the narrative, the music, the sound, the synchronization, and, above all, the safety.
Similarly, if we’re dealing with artistic shibari, like a photograph, it should be evaluated as photography and as art, in addition to its shibari elements.
If we want to incorporate things like suspension or intense restraints into our erotic experiences safely, pain is off the table.
We’re talking about intense pain here, whether caused by the ropes or something external, like an impact.
It’s incompatible because you can’t maintain the muscle engagement needed for a safe practice when you’re in significant pain.
And let’s be clear: the idea of “toughing it out” is absurd. It crosses the line from myth into abuse. Look, you might hold it in when you need to pee on public transport.
But expecting the person being tied to endure the incompetence or lack of skill of the person tying them? That’s straight-up abuse.
I’m not talking about mistakes made during the learning process, but rather that attitude of: “You deal with it while I do my thing, show off for my audience, stroke my ego, and don’t care if it hurts, if you’re enjoying it, or if I injure you. If you’re lucky, I’ll give you a quick thrill before untying you.”
Have you seen this?
Call those behaviors what they are: abuse.
BDSM
If I’ve already said some shocking things, I’m about to make things even trickier...
Shibari is not BDSM.
Can it be integrated into a BDSM practice?
Yes, with some caveats, but it can. However, by definition, it is not BDSM.
This is a complex topic that sparks plenty of debate, as the concept of BDSM itself is open to many interpretations.
In essence, by its nature, shibari* is designed to shape consensus, altering the perspective from which the person being tied experiences what’s happening inside and outside their body—in other words, their reality.
What starts as “nothing sexual” can, halfway through a session, turn into a “take me now.”
Moreover, the kind of management and communication it requires demands equality, which doesn’t always align with BDSM dynamics.
To be clear, this argument is not a dismissal of BDSM practices but rather a call to use the tools best suited to each situation, thereby reducing risks.
“Models Surrender Their Bodies”
If we’re talking about shibari that involves anatomy and biomechanics, the idea in the title is complete nonsense.
Erotic shibari is active, like a tango: it’s not one person leading and the other following...
The person being tied isn’t passive, nor do they resist. It’s a shared act where both have a lot to contribute.
This is something we see often: a couple shows up to a class, and at our school, the first lessons focus on the person being tied.
They have to learn to listen to their body and interpret what it’s telling them through the management of their movements.
And they’re often surprised because what they’ve seen elsewhere, and the image often portrayed, is that the person being tied is just a passive participant.
But it’s their body. The person tying doesn’t have nerve endings in the other’s body to know what’s going on, whether it’s okay, whether they need more or less...
And in this process, the person tying has to learn to read the responses, the physical cues given by the person being tied.
It’s communication, and while words are sometimes needed, other times you have to interpret cues, with the risk of getting it wrong...
Erotic shibari is a game for two. Both parties are equally important. Both should enjoy the session and seek their personal satisfaction together, through interaction.