In this class, we’ll explore tools for managing emotions during an erotic shibari encounter.
Restriction lies at the heart of erotic shibari. You could even say that without restriction, there is no erotic shibari.
Why do we say this?
Erotic shibari is a tool for managing the emotion of desire.
Emotions, including desire, can be influenced in two ways: through thought and through behavior.
What’s more, erotic shibari introduces an asymmetry in how resources are managed.
Shibari is, at its core, a technical practice—it’s the application of a set of techniques. To make the most of it and avoid risks, we need a way to manage what happens during the session.
The emotion we focus on is erotic desire, so from here on out, we’ll use the terms desire and emotion interchangeably.
Erotic desire is what sets an erotic context apart from other contexts. It shapes how we interpret what’s happening during the interaction.
The person being tied has limited behavior because they’re physically restrained.
This creates the asymmetry in resource access that defines this type of interaction. The person doing the tying manages the behavior of the person being tied.
Let’s not take the concepts of restriction and behavior too literally. Restricting behavior doesn’t always mean completely immobilizing someone with ropes. It can also mean entering their personal space.
For example, when someone sits next to you on public transportation, even if it’s just a little, they’re influencing and altering your behavior.
Thoughts, on the other hand, are something only the individual can access. In other words, a person’s thoughts are private and only accessible to them.
In a previous class, we explained how the brain generates predictive schemas. Now, we’ll see how these schemas can be applied in an erotic shibari session as a management mechanism.
For shibari to be erotic, the first requirement is to establish an erotic context.
This means there needs to be at least some level of desire between the people involved, because the first context we interpret is simply being together.
If it’s not possible to create even a minimal erotic connection before starting, we should reconsider the type of shibari we’re practicing together.
I’m not talking about going from 0 to 100 the moment you see each other—that’s for teenagers or the early months of a relationship. I’m referring to subtle sensations, like thinking, “I want to explore this with this person,” or “I’m looking forward to spending this time together.”
In sekibaku, it’s essential that both people are on the same level (in terms of power) and interact within the same context—in this case, an erotic one.
We can’t assume this happens automatically, that the other person is on the same page or in the same context as we are. Approaching shibari with assumptions opens the door to risks, ranging from an unsatisfying experience to outright abuse.
A pre-session conversation is necessary to prevent this. This conversation can help establish the erotic context and even spark the first moments of desire by discussing what each person wants to do or experience.
Establishing an erotic context is accompanied by the activation of an erotic procedural schema.
This schema includes a range of variables, such as (though not limited to):
- What to do (tying or being tied, the patterns or restraints to use, etc.)
- How to do it (the script for the session, with more or less contact, in this or that way, etc.)
- Who’s involved (it’s different with a partner, a stranger, a friend, or a family member)
- What reactions to expect (should I resist or let go, should I aim for an orgasm or not, etc.)
- What the outcome will be (how will I feel afterward, will the other person enjoy it, etc.)
Through this schema, we filter our experience, adjust our behavior, and make sense of what we feel and experience.
The first schema we turn to is usually the most accessible, the one we use most often, the one that lets us achieve our goals with the least energy.
We can call this first schema the quick fix. In Western cultures, this often involves some form of genital stimulation leading to orgasm.
This is the expectation that comes with activating this schema. As a result, our behavior tends to move in that direction.
For the person being tied, the restriction significantly limits their behavior, preventing the situation from resolving in the way this first schema predicted.
This makes the schema invalid, so it’s discarded, leaving two options:
If the desire continues to intensify, the person being tied will look for a less accessible schema to interpret the situation.
Think of this process like peeling an onion, layer by layer, from the surface to the core. Each discarded schema is like removing a layer.
We’ll use this mechanism during the shibari session to deepen the emotional expression of desire.
If the desire diminishes, the person will step out of the erotic context—what’s often called “losing the mood.”
When this happens, the person is no longer interpreting the situation in an erotic way, even if they’ve engaged in similar practices erotically before.
For people with vulvas, even if “losing the mood” isn’t visibly apparent and there’s no physical barrier to continuing, the experience for that person is no longer erotic. From that moment on, it’s not an erotic context for them.
If we try to continue, we’re pushing that person to engage in practices that won’t bring them erotic satisfaction, even if stimulation and arousal are present. They’ve stepped out of the context that allows them to enjoy the interaction.
This puts us at a very high risk of abuse.
Including the risk of continuing the practice out of “endurance,” “love,” or any other reason that doesn’t align with the person’s own experience of the situation as erotic.
To avoid these risks, we always emphasize that erotic shibari must be based on desire, not love or roles.
Through desire, we’ll experience the session within an erotic context, and everything we do will evolve based on that erotic desire.
Schemas like “I’ll endure this situation I don’t want to be in for this other person” (pay attention to the I DON’T WANT TO BE HERE) are far from desire, as they don’t lead to erotic satisfaction.
They might bring validation, reinforcement, or a way to bond with the other person. There are many possibilities, but erotic satisfaction isn’t one of them.
If desire fades during the session, it’s best to communicate it as soon as possible, stop the session, and talk about it.
A drop in desire doesn’t mean anything. It could be due to countless reasons, from fatigue to unrelated worries, or simply because it’s not the right moment. That’s all.
But it’s important to talk about it, to clarify the situation and prevent it from becoming a bad experience or a source of speculation for either party. Sharing your thoughts will help in future sessions. Not addressing it will color future interactions, and accumulating these “bad experiences” can damage the relationship.
Returning to the first scenario, where desire continues to intensify but no schema is validated because the person being tied can’t use their behavior to satisfy the desire, we’ll keep “peeling the onion” until we reach where we want to go. But where is that?
We need to remember that the deeper we go, the more schemas blend together. This happens because there’s more activation, and the brain starts running out of options.
Since we’ve rarely been in this situation before, the schemas we use become less specific, as specificity comes from repeated use. The most frequent and specific schemas are the ones we’ve already discarded.
For this reason, it’s possible for schemas not typically associated with an erotic context to activate, even if we’re in one. As we dig deeper, we might uncover “painful layers.”
Delving deep and opening Pandora’s box isn’t inherently negative, as long as both people agree to take the risk and are capable of managing it in the moment and afterward.
Both types of management are necessary.
If we don’t want to, or aren’t sure we can handle this management, it’s best to stick with more surface-level schemas and not go too deep.
The person doing the tying goes through a similar process, with one key difference: they’re the ones managing the resources and the direction of the session.
Their behavior and how they “guide” the session should be informed by their own erotic schemas, reacting to the responses of the person being tied as both explore the schemas of desire together.
The interaction between both people isn’t optional—it’s the key. It’s not about what one person wants, but what both desire. If it’s not mutual, we’re entering abusive territory.