A common mistake is confusing the concepts of satisfying with pleasing. When this happens in the context of an erotic dynamic within a relationship, it can lead to certain risks
Through the knowledge gained from studying and practicing various disciplines, as well as our own experiences in erotic shibari, we’ve developed and implemented a system at our Dojo to adaptively and healthily manage emotions during a shibari session.
This system consists of techniques focused on erotic experiences. It’s important to understand that their real application lies in the experience itself—in the private interaction between two (or more) people.
This is not shibari designed for performance.
The scenes you see in shows or movies don’t capture the full range of techniques and tools that sekibaku can bring to a private interaction.
In these cases, performances or audiovisual media simply showcase professional actors with advanced technical skills, portraying a carefully prepared and rehearsed fiction.
Always distinguish fiction from reality. Imitating fiction can be dangerous or, at the very least, unsatisfying, as what’s shown in a performance may not align with your personal eroticism, skills, or interests.
Remember: adaptation is key. Knowing the technique and, above all, understanding it, is essential.
In an erotic interaction, sekibaku helps us understand the other person’s desire and reveal what we call “hidden desire”—the deepest expression of their eroticism.
These are the less accessible desires, the ones we might not even be aware we have. Yet they are ours, lying within us.
Erotic desire is an emotion, and like any emotion, it can be managed through thought and behavior (of the person experiencing that emotion).
In a shibari session, one person is tied, deprived of the ability to manage their behavior—they can’t move. All that’s left is their thoughts, and only they have access to those thoughts.
The person doing the tying manages the behavior of the person being tied by applying body and rope techniques.
This involves using the ropes with the appropriate form and tension to reinforce these messages, while maintaining an effective restriction that prevents the person being tied from managing their behavior.
By positioning their body in a state and posture that communicates their erotic intent, they help the tied person’s desire emerge.
Let’s recall the “normal curve” that represents the process of any emotion: a rising phase, a peak, and a falling phase.
A shibari session should follow a similar structure: a rising phase where desire is nurtured, a peak where hidden desire is revealed, and finally, a falling phase where the session is processed.
Don’t confuse this “curve” with the rhythm or tempo of the session. They’re entirely different things.
We can’t access desire directly or expect to uncover it quickly. After all, we’re in an erotic interaction—we don’t want it to be rushed, do we?
The human body is designed to conserve energy.
Processing, perceiving, and interacting with the environment can be energy-intensive, so the brain relies on existing schemas to resolve a given situation.
It knows these schemas work because they’ve been useful in past experiences or similar situations.
These schemas are structured in layers, each requiring more energy than the last and delving deeper into the person.
We can visualize them as the successive layers of an onion. Peel one away, and you find another, and beneath that, yet another, and so on.
When faced with an emotion like desire, the impulse is to satisfy it immediately. Managing it over time requires significant energy.
A person deprived of the ability to manage their behavior (for example, to masturbate and quickly relieve themselves) will turn to their thoughts. Their brain will present the most frequent or recent mental schema that helped satisfy desire in the past.
If we let the tied person freely follow this “journey,” they’ll stay in this first schema and won’t delve deeper.
This is about pleasing, not satisfying. But if we manage the situation so that, without the curve of desire decreasing, they discard this first thought and turn to a “deeper” one, we’ll take a step together toward a more profound mutual understanding.
We’re creating shared concepts that will help us satisfy our desires in a healthy way.