In shibari, phrases like “nonverbal communication” or "speaking through the rope" are common. In this class, we delve deeper into understanding the tools and techniques that help maintain an implicit dialogue throughout the session.
Premise
Even when we express ourselves verbally, misinterpretations, confusion, or misunderstandings are frequent. It doesn’t take a genius to realize that anything involving “nonverbal communication” makes it far from easy to convey or understand messages beyond the very basic and simple.
We must assume that, with body language and other forms of nonverbal expression, the two-way transmission of information—and the accuracy of the message—is, at the very least, complicated.
Typically, in these situations, what we do is interpret what we perceive in our minds, and interpretations are always biased, always colored—whether by what’s already in our heads or by the context.
In previous lessons, we’ve seen how every emotion gradually influences our ability to assess and interpret, so if we’re aiming for a safe and consensual shibari practice, we must set aside assumptions and focus on objective, tangible factors.
Let’s understand that this influence will alter the code we use to interpret communication. At different levels of arousal and erotic desire, the same gesture or word can carry entirely different meanings.
And the idea of two people being in the exact same state of arousal and desire at the same moment? That’s highly unlikely. There will always be some difference.
Communication
We’ve already established that communication must be verbal, in-person, and maintained during moments of emotional calm if what we seek is to create shared concepts based on mutual emotional experiences.
But, of course, we also communicate during the session. In fact, we claim that shibari itself is a dialogue, so let’s explore some concepts to help you manage communication during the session.
Note: There are no magic formulas or strict rules. Every person, every situation, is a unique experience. The goal isn’t to set standards but to learn how to make the most of it by expanding your “emotional vocabulary,” both individually and collectively.
We start from the premise that we’re not seeking a specific answer but rather uncovering new information. This makes all the difference.
Thus, we never approach this type of shibari as torture, because in that scenario, the person being restrained might simply give us the information they think we want. That kind of communication is shallow and far from enriching.
We always approach it as a dialogue—an interview, or even an interrogation, if you will. It depends on the tone we want to set, but the aim is always for the person being tied to naturally convey information that’s new and meaningful for both parties.
This information is often complex, requiring some mental processing to understand and absorb. We’ve covered this in other classes.
On a practical level, during the session, we must maintain another level of communication—one that’s more basic, simpler.
There are complex languages, like the ones we speak, and simpler ones, like binary, which only has two options: 1 or 0.
When we communicate through the body, we’ll only have one option—a single “digit” to establish this communication.
Direction, intensity, and presence must be clear and consistent. No nuances, no shades of gray, because the less the brain—on both sides—has to process, the better.
There’s a classic children’s toy made of two plastic cups connected at their bases by a string. When the string is taut, it works like a kind of telephone, or rather, like one of those old radios. If you speak into the cup at one end, it’s heard at the other.
It’s the perfect metaphor for how “nonverbal” communication works during a shibari session.
To begin with, the string needs to be taut. If it’s too loose, it doesn’t work; if it’s overly tight, it doesn’t either.
Add to that, it’s a circuit that only works in one direction at a time. When the person at one end speaks, the other listens, and vice versa. If both try to speak at once, the system overloads and fails.
In shibari, it’s exactly the same. The person tying (since they’re managing the session’s resources) initiates the communication; entering the personal space of the person being tied is already a form of communication. The response—the reaction of the person being tied—provides information.
If the person tying acts hastily, enters the other’s space, grabs them, applies restraint, starts tying, and doesn’t pay attention until they’re halfway through a pattern… that’s not communication. It’s a monologue.
Channels
In any communication process, there’s a channel—the medium through which the message is transmitted. In this case, the channel is the rope and the body, working together as a single element.
In shibari, “Tension (張力 Chōryoku)” encompasses both muscular body tension and the tension in the rope, both of which are essential for communication during the practice.
The combination of these creates a nonverbal communication channel we can use to guide and manage the session.
You’ll find links to articles covering these topics in the footnotes.